


How Do You Feel?

by endemictoearth



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-08 08:10:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4297203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endemictoearth/pseuds/endemictoearth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rae and Kester have their first session after the end of Series 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Do You Feel?

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I started this little drabble a while back and now that I’m having major Kester distress, I decided to knock the dust off it, sand down the corners, and just post it. It’s a teeny drabble, but I just needed a positive Rae/Kester interaction, even if I had to write it myself!

January 6, 1997

Rae sits in silence as the clock on Kester’s desk ticks away the seconds of the session. She rubs her thumbs along the inside of her fingers nervously. They’ve talked a bit about Finn, but she always skirts the issue, afraid to form words about him.

Kester looks at her with an enigmatic smile, happy to wait for her to start. He can sense that this might be the one place Rae feels comfortable just being quiet. But when she takes a deep breath in and lets out a sigh, he thinks maybe she’s been waiting for him to begin.

“How’s your mum?” he ventures.

“She’s pretty good, yeah. Gettin’ better. She’s pretty tough.”

Kester’s smile widens. “Yeah, I can see where you get it from.”

Rae looks down at her hands, but smiles. They talk casually about her new sister, how that might change the dynamic in her household, and how Rae can be a help to her family. The time goes by quickly, and when Rae glances up to see only a few minutes left in the session, she blurts out, “Do you think I’m ready? To be in a relationship?”

Kester looks down at the unlit cigarette in his hand, twirling it through his fingers a couple of times. His eyes flick back up to meet hers. “Honestly?”

Rae gives him a look that says, without uttering a word, “If you’re not going to be honest with me, then what’s the fucking point?”

He grins at her expression, then shrugs. “Probably not.”

She looks disappointed, but not surprised.

“But, as long as we’re being honest, I honestly don’t know if anyone is ever really ready. People come into our lives, and become a part of that life. I don’t know if there’s a rhyme or reason to any of it, but you’ve got to just trust how you feel about a person, how they make you feel.”

“Yeah? Sometimes I think I know how I feel. But then I think about it some more and I get confused.”

Kester smiles. “Well, there’s your mistake, thinking too much. We all do it; we can’t help it. But sometimes, thinking just clouds everything up.”

“So, if I don’t THINK, how do I know … anythin’?” Her furrowed brows show her frustration.

“Okay, okay. I hear you. Yes, you think at first. But thinking only gets you so far, because there are many sides, pros and cons. Pick a person, or a situation, yeah? Picture them in your mind. Then, take a deep breath, or count to ten, something to clear your head, and focus on how you FEEL. What do you feel about … whatever it is.”

Rae closes her eyes, and pictures Finn, takes a deep breath in and counts under the exhale. She can see his warm brown eyes under his fringe, his open smile. He’s leaning toward her, like he might kiss her, or he might just want a closer look. And then, when she hits ten, she feels … warm. Like … oh god, this is so daft … like she’s smiling inside. And, soon enough, she’s smiling outside, too. She can hear Kester chuckle.

“See?” he asks. “Our feelings are often a better gauge than our thoughts. If you get a funny feeling when you’re with someone, anxious or scared, but you talk yourself out of your feelings with thoughts, that’s not good. Also, if you feel good with someone, happy and contented, but then you think about how you two are perceived, or what the other person should want or deserve … also, not good. Everyone has to learn to trust themselves, but it’s hard for most people.”

Rae nods. “Yeah. I think I get it.” She’s starting to, anyway. It won’t be easy. It seems nothing ever is. But, if she can have that sometimes, that warm inner smile, spreading through her body, she feels it might just be worth it.

Of course, now she’s worried how she makes Finn feel. But that … is a conversation for another day. She’ll try not to think about it too much.


End file.
